If the ACC Coastal were 90’s Albums
As the season inches closer, there will be plenty of articles previewing the teams that the Miami Hurricanes of 2022 will be playing. Whether that be how bad FSU and UF are doing, and what their final records will be, or who will be the winner of the conference.
With how poor the Coastal seems to be year in and year out, we almost always expect to win it every year, yet only doing so once. And now with Coach Cristobal coming back home, the expectations are even higher.
I’m not here to preview every team on our schedule (yet). I’m here to bring information down to a level we can all understand. I felt as though every single one of the ACC Coastal teams could be explained best by music albums of the 90’s. So let’s get down, get grungy, and rock out to an ACC Coastal win in Mario’s first year. Let’s hope I don’t anger any of you audiophiles.
Tubthumper by Chumbawumba
This offseason for GT was much like the rest of the Coastal. Full of turnover and change. Geoff Collins pretty much fired his entire support staff in a Hail Mary attempt to keep his job past year 4 (yes, it’s been THAT long). They lost their best player and playmaker in Jahmyr Gibbs to the Camaro dealers over in Tuscaloosa. They still have Jeff Sims who at times can flash in the running game, but their offensive line isn’t up to par as Sims and Gibbs had to run all over the field for them last season. To top all this off, they play one of the most difficult schedules in the country this coming year.
All that being said, just like the album Tubthumping, GT is always due for a good one-hit wonder. They get knocked down repeatedly, and for one time every season, they indeed do get up again. Let’s hope it’s against UGA.
My 2020 theme song..😎🥃
Chumbawamba – Tubthumper  https://t.co/UhndRNCwF2 via @YouTube pic.twitter.com/wPepg14yhv
— Tiko (@TikotheShihTzu) October 3, 2020
Turn the Radio Off by Reel Big Fish
As we all know, UNC lost their most pivotal player of the last three years. All 4 feet and 3 inches of Sam Howell is gone from UNC. They still have very dynamic players on offense including Joshua Downs who absolutely took our lunch money last year. Their defense returns some very young but talented positional players who started to get some burn at the end of last season.
Gene Chizik comes in to coach the defense after a very poor showing last season. While he isn’t the worst option, he’s more so like the substitute teacher of football coaches. He’ll keep the class quiet and they’ll do their work, but he isn’t going to be changing lives. Their offensive line was atrocious last year, ranking close to dead last for hurries against their miniature QB. Boy, Stacy Searels isn’t having a good string of jobs but somehow keeps getting high value jobs, now being the OL coach at UGA.
UNC is Turn the Radio Off because they’re the Ska music of the Coastal. No one is saying they’re very good. But they put on a good concert. No one takes them too seriously, nor should themselves. Great idea for a garage band, but for the love of god, we’ve had enough trumpets.
Razorblade Suitcase by Bush
Don’t get me wrong, I think the Nard Dog is a good coach, and this team has some good pieces. But it’s nothing like last year’s team. Losing a 4 year Heisman contending QB, the best WR in the entire country, among other pieces, isn’t easy to replace at Alabama, let alone in the middle of coal country. This team will be competent. Good enough to go bowling certainly. But if their fans are expecting anything like the last year, get ready for the disappointment train.
Razorblade Suitcase features one good song: Swallowed. The glimmering ballad of the album is an absolute banger, but boy did Bush miss the mark on the rest of this trash album. They wanted to go edgy but instead, just left everyone wanting for more… Don’t let the days go by, Pitt.
Odelay! by Beck
Wooooooooooooof. My momma always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say then I shouldn’t say anything at all.
Duke isn’t Odelay! because they are going to be extremely successful and commemorated for being one of the best of the decade. They’re Odelay! because they’re a perdedor, a loser babyyyyy, so every team is gonna kill them. They are really weird, too.
Sooooooyyyyyy un Perdedor! I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me? #beck pic.twitter.com/32bNSDNsMc
— Matt (@ST1401toEndor) August 1, 2022
Ritual de lo Habitual by Jane’s Addiction
Returning one of the best QBs in the country, let alone the ACC Coastal, UVA should have some pretty good highs this season, for their standard at least. They’re spunky. They got moxie. With a very solid receiving corps and a decent offensive line as well, they will put up points. I don’t believe their offense will look the same as it did last year under the tutelage of Bronco Mendenhall, but Tony Elliot is no slouch with X’s and O’s. It’s their defense that would scare me, and is frankly what will hold them back from any serious success this upcoming season.
Jane’s Addiction is funky and cool. No one hates them. But no one REALLY likes them. They’re the medium Tostito’s queso dip of bands. And this was likely their best album. But there’s something missing. A huge part of you wants to like it more. You just can’t because you have ears, and good taste.
Vitalogy by Pearl Jam
New head coach. New quarterbacks. New offensive linemen. New everything. We don’t really know too much about VT this year. But that doesn’t mean we don’t see that logo and stadium and respect it for the history and tradition they have. Some returning defensive players should make decent impacts for them, and by all means Brent Pry seems like he’ll be a good coach, at the very least, a better recruiter than Fuente.
Vitalogy was a decent album. Similar to Pitt, the theme is regrouping this year. The difference lies in how and why it’s being done. We knew how great Pearl Jam was. Vitalogy was an ok album. But man, it’s just getting depressing listening to this music over and over again. And honestly, it’s kinda depressing seeing how far VT has fallen since the Beamer era.
Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette
I need to do little introduction here as we all know the team going into this year. We return quite a bit of talent all around and still possess quite a young team. I’m very excited about this season and little is giving me pause about a possible 10 win season besides getting in our own way.
Jagged Little Pill is widely considered to be one of the best albums of the 90’s, maybe in history. I think this season we will reach heights that we only experienced as recently as 2017. Some straight up BANGERS of games will come with the absolute dread of the media that we’re “good”. Much like JLP, the radio won’t be able to stop talking about us. I know I’m going to be unbearable, just like 1846295th time you heard someone say that Ironic wasn’t AKTSHUALLY ironic. Who cares, it’s a great damn song.
Go Canes and #LucaToTheU
geez jagged little pill still rocks SO hard pic.twitter.com/LiyJVXBT2J
— Jordan Holberg (@eviljordan) August 3, 2022